thecraftymommyblog

Sometimes I'm the one who needs a time out

10 sex toys that make me go WTF?!

on February 19, 2015

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Ever get board and wonder what odd things you can find on the internet? Ever pick a topic and think, it is google go time! Well.. I do! When I was in my early 20 ‘s I worked at an adult “book store ” called pleasure palace. It was anything but a pleasure. It was awful! Something about the smell of latex and cigarette smoke just didn’t make me want to come to work. Then there was the spray that they advised to spray on the toilet seat with  before I went as it would kill the HIV  virus. I was always amazed by the creepy… crazy and the stupid items that people were more than willing to rub against / stick their genitals into. I thought it would be fun to see what creepy weird sex toys I could find on the internet. The following blog is for those 18+ and some may find offensive. I do want to mention that I really don’t care what anyone does in their bedroom or personal life you could be a fucking furry for all I care as long as its legal and not hurting anyone else I’m totally not going to judge.. however these products totally have me wondering what type of person purchases them!

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#1. Jackhammer Jesus

Price: $66.00

Website Description: Jesus was a carpenter, now he’s the power tool. He’s the baddest and the best in all of Nazareth. The Jackhammer Jesus has just one safety rule:
Feet first, feet first, not the head, ya fool.JesusBack

Crafty Mommy Thoughts:  There are seriously not enough what the fucks that can come out of my mouth for this one.  This reminds of me of some weird exorcist shit. Its this multi purpose? Can I hang it over my bed and protect me while I sleep and also use it to tuck me in at night? I feel like there are way way to many jokes that can be made here. I am just saying there is some serious issues to the person who stick this in their who-ha!

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#2. The Baby Jesus Buttplug

Price: $36.00

Website Description:  When you woke up this morning you know that something was missin in your life.It wasn’t the new car, the new job, the boyfriend or the girlfriend. But now you know: it’s the Baby Jesus Butt Plug. Slap him on the dashboard. Use him as the ultimate pacifier or make Baby Jesus the centerpiece of your magnificent Dildo Creche.

Crafty Mommy Thoughts: The words “baby” “Jesus” and “Buttplug” should never ever ever go together like ever. I must say I love then “Slap him on the dashboard” in the description because using him for anything other than offending other people on the road is just weird.. please do not ever stick baby Jesus in your butt… Its just wrong.

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#3 The Vagankle 

Price: $175.00

Website Description: For our foot fans out there, we have released a new product into the world. It is called the Vajankle! It is the style A left foot with a vagina in the ankle. This bangable foot is available on its own for $175 or in a mixed pair with a regular style A right foot. We hope you like what you see!IMG_4334

The Crafty Mommy Thoughts:  Oh my gawd gross gross gross!! Ew! Ick!  This is entirely to realistic looking of a foot… with a fucking vagina at the ankle! Who thinks of this stuff?!  When I first saw this online I thought it was a Halloween prop. I thought the vagina part was like just “cut up meat” from where the foot was cut off the person… then I read that description.. and thought this had to be a prank right? Because who in the F things of this stuff? Then I read on into the comments of this item… and it is real.. and there are people who just want to stick there dick in a vagankle. I strongly encourage you to read the comments on the item here. Its hilarious!

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#4. Head of state President Obama Dildo

Price: Unknown

Description: The website was shut down I’m sure for obvious reasons… but seriously… this is stupid… do you think Michelle has one?

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#5 I Rub My Penguin waterproof personal massager

Price: $39.99

Description: I Rub My Penguin is a versatile massager with 3 speed of vibration, which is easily changed by pressing his tummy. His curved body makes the Penguin easy to hold and to choose the depth and girth that is most desirable for you! This little guy loves “fowl” play, with his round head and fat nose that curve around and caress your most sensitive areas in a way that will send a chill up your spine! Requires only two AA Batteries to make you smile (not included).

The Crafty Mommy Thoughts: I think once I get past how freaking cute it is.. how horrified I would be if my child came out at some family function with this vibrating penguin thinking it is a toy that he had found in your room.. because lets face it when you have something that looks like this it is bound to happen.

IMG_4332 #6. Man Muncher Hand Free Masturbator for men

Price: $29.99

Description:  Promising sensual thrills that are truly “out of this world”, the Man Eaters is a new generation of sex toys for men; eschewing the traditional sleeve format of male masturbators and instead arriving in the form of rigid plastic vibrator. It’s a totally new and revolutionary idea and surprisingly effective. The Man Eater resembles a giant alien with a gaping red maw. The open mouth is perfectly shaped to rub up and down your erection, or press against your glans – transmitting vibrations throughout. The alien’s tubby tummy contains a hidden switch that adjusts the vibrations from mild to massive – and that’s about the limit of the technology involved. Because there’s no sleeve involved, many men might be imagewary of this masturbatory machine – but it actually works very well at coaxing a rock-hard erection and slowly, painstakingly, tipping you over the edge to orgasm. All you have to do is press the open mouth against your cock and adjust the speed and position depending on what feels best.

The Crafty Mommy Thoughts: Woah? What?! This is just weird. The only joke I can think of is, all these years men have been saying “no teeth” but then there is this toy.. I feel a bit mislead.

71dHuyUZHmL._SL1500_#7. Glass Pink Tentacle Dildo

Price: $14.99

Website Description: 

  • Hand Blown
  • Borosilicate Glass (Pyrex)
  • Safe For Use With All Common Sex Lubricants
  • Nonporous Exterior Makes Cleaning Quick And Easy
  • Strong And Durable Will Last A Lifetime With Proper Care

The Crafty Mommy Thoughts:  This is single handily the reason that I will not ever move to China, or watch Anime. Gross… who has ever looked at anything with tentacles and thought, “You know… you are one attractive beast.. I want you in my Vagina!” I would like to say nobody ever however the comments on the Amazon listing prove otherwise.

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#8 Sinthetics Realistic Sex Dolls

Price:  Female Sinthetics start at $5,750 plus shipping

Male Sinthetics start at $5,900 plus shipping

Website Description:Variable entry sizes; if you would like the entries of your manikin larger or smaller than standard, we are happy to re-size the cores to your specifications.
• Our female manikins have soft breasts with gels inside made from a stable silicone gel used in the aerospace industry. We also include gel buttocks at no additional charge.
• All Sinthetics have a flexible spine which allows for a very wide range of motion and also for the hips to pivot side to side as well as forward and backward.
• Each of our manikins comes with the novelty “balloon knot”, a small silicone plug for the anal entry to prevent gape. The Balloon Knot must be removed prior to using the anal entry. Balloon Knots and tongues can be purchased separately for use with other doll brands.Butterflies-Back-tattoo

The Crafty Mommy Thoughts: Soooo apart of me is like super grossed out and then there is apart of me that are like, these are seriously art work. The details on these are insane. I was looking through the gallery to find some that were appropriate for my blog page and was blown away at the different details. You can choose artificial hair or real, the height, weight, eye, color, penis size and type  and depth of the vagina just to name a few of the details. These are crazy customized. I think that a walk through this warehouse would be one of the most creepy places on earth. I would seriously suggest taking a look at this website if you are bored its kinda entertaining and fascinating. I would however like to know the personality of the person who pays a minimum of $5750.00 on a fake person to have sex with…

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#9 Hello Kitty Vibrator

Price: $15.83

Website Description: 

  • Almost five years have passed since we last saw the mythical Hello Kitty Vibrator!
  • We’re happy to announce the glorious return of the official Hello Kitty Massager Vibrator in its great new form!
  • A vibrating pink toy great for massaging away the day’s stress. This new Sanrio product features Japan’s most famous feline that’s ready to take you to multi orgasm!
  • It measures 5.5″ in length and her head is 1 3/8″ wide.
  • 100% Discreet Shipping in plain box !! We respect our customer’s privacy !

The Crafty Mommy Thoughts:  well… I never thought I would see a beloved children’s cartoon character on a sex toy.. however I was wrong… and looks like the company had to sign off on it… another awkward moment in the making where you child says mom look I found hello kitty under your bed….

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#10. Glass Fox Tail Butt Plug

Price: $24.99

Website Description: This reddish toned fox tail is approximately 13″ in length (without the plug) and comes with your choice of butt plug: small, medium or large glass. This is a great addition for those wanting to try out a tail for the first time. Excellent for creating excitement in the bedroom, or wearing to a fetish event! Tail is permanently attached to the plug and can be washed with mild soap and water. Several tails in stock! Coloring and length will vary from tail to tail, so please email us prior to purchasing if you would like to choose your tail.
FOX TAIL CARE: These are actual fur tails. They are not indestructible. The furrier warns that pulling on or excessive bending of the tail will possibly break the end off the tail. So please treat your tail with care! Please grasp the base of the plug and not the tail, when removing from use. If you happen to pull too hard and detach your tail, remember, we strive for amazing customer service even AFTER the sale! We are happy to repair your tail for free, just pay shipping!

The Crafty Mommy Thoughts:  woah.. this is a thing? Seriously the thought makes me have to poop. And I’m pretty sure this is a great way to figure out exactly what the fox says…. this is just weird… like really really weird….

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